How many times have you been cut off on the highway or have been at the check-out in the grocery store and the person or persons around you are just not moving at the quick pace that you wanted? What happens when you are at the stoplight and the person in front of you doesn’t go that split second when the light turns green? You rush past them and say, “Damn them, they are on the telephone.” What if you took the time to think, “What if they NEVER talk on the phone while driving but they got a call from their husband or wife saying something horrific has just happened?” While it may not be likely, it may be just what has happened. If you take that moment to realize that the person who are SO angry with may be having an event that you just can’t understand.
Take a minute..think about the person sitting next to you. You may think that they have this incredible life, fantastic wife or husband, great children but do you really know what that person’s life is like? If you just take THIS moment to put yourself into their shoes…THAT is empathy. Now, wouldn’t this world be a better place if we took the opportunity to experience empathy?
There is a huge difference between Empathy and Sympathy. Sympathy is a feeling and concern or even pity. Empathy is a shared specific emotional state. While “Sympathy” is usually a feeling sorrow for, “Empathy” is truly putting yourself into another person’s situation and feeling what they feel. Empathy is so much more powerful. It requires true listening skills.
There are a few things that we can do to be a more Empathic person
Be interested in the other person. I never meet a stranger, unless I am having a bad pain day. If everything is good in my life, I love to meet strangers on a plane, in a store or wherever. It is amazing what you can learn from a five minute exchange with someone. If you suddenly listen to the emotions in their voice, you really get a perspective as to who they are and what their belief system is.
Become more aware of non-verbal cues. There are many days, for me, that I am in incredible pain. I may be able to bluff you with my words but my face will show the pain. The same for the other person’s emotional pain. It may not be evident in their words but you can see their expressions change when they speak about what is uncomfortable in their lives. Their eyes change, their pupils dilate when they get excited. The wrinkles in their forehead may become more obvious when they speak of their loss.
Time can be an important aspect of empathy. Some say that you cannot empathize with people from the past. A postmodern historian, Keith Jenkins has debated that issue. He states that empathy holds a position only in the present because it is relevant to modern society. He argues that the past is a “foreign country” and we do not have access to those understandings of the conditions of the past. I totally disagree. My father was raised in a situation where many were raised. His mother died early in his life and his father gave all of the children to different family members. They were separated as well as feeling deserted by both the mother and the father. His father later remarried and my father was certain that they would bring the family together again. Instead my grandfather took this new woman’s two children and still left his children in the care of others. My father, again experienced a feeling of being abandoned. As I said though this was happening to many families at this time – but it was happening to my father and that is what is important to me. This affected how he raised his family and how he reacted when my sister left her children and moved to another state. My father had many anger issues but still loved his family and would have done anything to keep everyone together. It is easy to understand his love of family and desire to maintain the togetherness of a family. The more difficult thing to understand is his anger and the way in which it displayed itself. While I was in it, it was difficult to feel what he was feeling but as I aged I understood those feelings of being abandoned and unloved and understood his life motivations in relation to those feelings. I didn’t like it, but it did help me to love him unconditionally. I did not feel a need to make amends upon his death because we had done so earlier.
Take a risk – Go outside of yourself and what you know to be true. When you hear a word such as “Fundamentalist”, it may bring about a certain feeling or feelings. Do you want to take the opportunity to learn what you and this person may have in common? Imagine moving from country to country and seeing the differences – now imagine yourself moving to another country focusing on the commonalities. It will change the way you see the people and their culture.
George Orwell lived abroad prior to the 1920’s. He moved back to England and decided that he wanted to better understand people living in the “Social Margins”. He dressed up as a tramp and lived amongst the beggars and vagabonds of East London. He discovered that homeless people are not “drunken scoundrels”. Not only did he change his views on the homeless but he was able to gather information to write his book, Down and Out in Paris and London. He realized that empathy doesn’t just make you good, it is good for you.
An amazing thing can happen with empathy, you can change the world! When you step into other people’s shoes you can either change your belief or you can strengthen your own belief. What if I say that I believe that global warming is changing the world we live in and I want to leave a better place for my grandchildren. Not much forward movement there, is there? But what if I go out and speak to the people interested in BP and the oil spill and clean up. I could learn that the oil industry employs many people who need those jobs to survive. I could possibly learn that the leaders in the industry are interested in ecology. I may find that BP is more involved than Shell and switch my allegiances to BP rather than Shell. I may also learn that none of this is true and that I need to take action and get involved in alternative energy. I may become so angry with the oil industry I become a lobbyist against the oil industry. There are SO many possibilities once you open up your mind.
If we look at the practicality of empathy, it is a revered trait in society. It is PRO Social. It is unselfish. It may make the difference between you and another person becoming lasting friends when you thought you were polar opposites. WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY!!